Alive Again Read online

  If I knew why, maybe this wouldn’t be so damn hard. I’ve got no answers to the swirl of questions wracking my brain. Did you fall out of love with me? Did you regret having a baby with me? Why did you leave and not tell me why? Did I not love you enough? Is it over between us? These are the things that keep me up at night, that only allow me to sleep for three or four hours at best.

  Maeve starts to fuss and bang on the tray of her high chair, sending small bits of saucy spaghetti and beans all over the floor around her. It’s the perfect distraction. I stand up and unhook her out of her seat and take her in my arms. “What’s the matter, peanut? You seem tired. Want to go home and get to bed?”

  2

  Carsen

  As Patrick and I move my desk into the spare room of his house, I can’t help but admire the toned muscles of his biceps as they flex and contract with the weight of it. He’s so damn tall and handsome. His dark hair has white flecks scattered around his temples and in the scruff of his five o’clock shadow, giving him a mature, distinguished look. And those damn blue eyes, when they stare at me, it’s as if he can see straight through me. Mind out of the gutter, Carsen. He’s your married boss.

  “You want it right here?” Patrick asks, maneuvering the desk into the corner. Looking away to smirk at the innuendo of his words, I pretend to contemplate other spots in the room to put the desk. What am I, a fourteen-year-old boy?

  “Sure, I think that’s the best spot for it,” I say.

  Patrick glances around the room, I bet he’s checking out all my stuff in here. He’s got the quiet, stoic thing down to a science. He’s so hard to read. It’s as if he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I’ve heard parts of his story and I know he’s been hurt. Scarlette told me his wife left him. And yet he still wears his wedding band. I hope he doesn’t end up being a jerk, but I need this job to afford my part-time tuition at UVA. I can endure pretty much anything. And Maeve is such a good baby.

  “I’d like for you to make yourself at home here,” Patrick says, his eyes warm and sincere. I love the moments when his guard is down, if only for a second. Like when he’s with Maeve. He is so sweet and good with her.

  “Thank you, I will.”

  He gives the room one last look and nods at me before he heads toward the door to leave.

  “Wait. Are you hungry? I can whip something up for dinner,” I suggest since I’m sure he’s hungry. Aren’t men always hungry? And I could eat. Moving is no joke. He never mentioned cooking for him in my job description, but I don’t mind doing it.

  Turning back toward me, he checks his watch. “Sure. I’ve got a project to finish on my laptop, so I’m afraid I won’t be much help. And I’ll keep an eye on Maeve.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of dinner.” I move a box of clothes off my bed and take it to the closet.

  “Great. I’m not sure what I’ve got. There might be food in the freezer. Finish up what you need to here first.” He makes a sweeping gesture with his hand around the chaos that is my new room.

  “I’ll be right down.”

  Watching him walk out of my room, I can’t help but stare at his muscled body. He takes good care of himself. I wonder if he lifts weights. What is wrong with me? Checking out my boss this way.

  Deciding to forgo the messy room for a little longer, I go downstairs and into the kitchen to start dinner. Patrick’s office is in the next room and as I walk by, I see Maeve sitting on the floor playing with a stack of books and Patrick staring intently at his laptop. Scarlette mentioned that he’s a very hard worker and spends a great deal of time at the office of McLoughlin Contracting. It’s a booming business in the Charlottesville area that he and his brothers, Braeden and Jackson, own together.

  The freezer is full of steak, all different types: filet, sirloin, T-bone, ribeyes. This man likes to eat red meat. There’s one chicken breast and bag of asparagus. I’ll have to hit the grocery store tomorrow. I pull out a couple sirloins and pop them in the microwave. Not my preferred method of thawing meat, but it’ll have to do if we want to eat tonight.

  I turn my phone on and pull up my iTunes account. Scrolling through, I choose some Coldplay to listen to while I cook. Keeping the volume down low, I dance around the kitchen while I start preparations for dinner. In the refrigerator, he does have a bag of lettuce and some other veggies for me to slice up for a salad.

  Maeve pops her head around the corner of the office and starts crawling toward me. I start singing to her and she sits in front of me and laughs. Grabbing a plastic mixing spoon, I belt out the tune and she bounces up and down, dancing to my music. I hand her a spoon, plastic bowl, and a couple of pots and pans. She loves playing with all the kitchen utensils, so I can get cooking.

  The meal is ready in just under an hour. Patrick is sitting at one side of the table with Maeve in her high chair next to him; I’m across from him. Maeve’s eating a sweet potato I cooked for her and a banana cut up into small bits.

  Cutting into his steak, Patrick says, “It’s cooked perfectly. Thank you.”

  “I don’t mind at all,” I tell him. And I don’t.

  He picks up a piece of Maeve’s sweet potato and pretends that he’s going to put it in his mouth, but at the last second, he pretends it’s an airplane and flies it into her mouth, earning him a sweet giggle.

  They are truly beautiful. They’d be so easy to fall for, this little family. But that’s stupid and dangerous. I’ve got to stay focused on my job and goals to earn enough money for tuition and eventually finish my art degree. Nobody in my family has ever gone to college. My brother and I will be the first.

  “What were you working on?” I ask, pointing toward his office with my fork.

  He finishes chewing a bite of steak and wipes the corners of his mouth with a napkin. “We just won a big bid on the new wing of the hospital. I’m managing this project; it’s a ton of work.” He’s smiling when he says this, a proud, confident smile. He’s a man who truly loves his work and takes pride in it.

  “That’s exciting. Congratulations.”

  “It is. Thank you. It’s going to keep me busy for a while. I’m grateful I’ve got you around to take care of Maeve. It’s been hard for me, leaving her all the time, but I feel better knowing that she has someone like you to take care of her. I’m doing all of this for her and her future.” He runs his finger along Maeve’s chubby cheek. She laughs and he gives her an adoring grin.

  He tells me more details of the new hospital wing. It sounds like tons of responsibility, being in charge of such a big project and everyone’s safety. He also talks about his brothers, Braeden and Jackson. Scarlette, my mentor, is engaged to be married to his brother Braeden, and Jackson and his fiancée just moved into a new house. There’s pride when he talks about his family and his career. Not for the first time, I wonder how his wife could leave him.

  Maeve starts to get fussy, so Patrick leans over and takes her out of her high chair and sets her on his lap. This makes her happy as she stops whining at once.

  “Would you like me to take her upstairs to give her a bath?” I ask.

  “That would be great. I can stay down here and clean up,” he says.

  Standing, I go to over to Patrick’s chair and grab Maeve from him. His cologne is subtle, but smells like sandalwood and it makes me want to lean in closer and put my nose in the crook of his neck. But I don’t. When he hands her to me, we touch for a brief moment. His skin is warm and it sends tingles all over me.

  “Let’s go upstairs and get you clean, little girl.” And cool me down.

  In the bathroom, I start her tub water and set my phone on the counter. I’ve got a couple of text messages from my asshole-ex. I ignore it, shut it off, and splash cold water on my face.

  3

  Patrick

  “And then Amelia had me move the freakin’ couch again,” Jackson, my youngest brother, says, throwing up his arms. He came in my office fifteen minutes ago and he’s been going on and on about hi
s move.

  All I can think about as he talks is how sexy Carsen was last night dancing around my kitchen with a short pair of shorts and a tight tank top. She’s tone deaf and thinks she can sing, but damn if she wasn’t cute as hell doing it. And on top of that, she’s amazing with my baby girl. And she can cook.

  I’m fucked.

  Keep your head in the game, Patrick.

  “I’m glad you got it all figured out, Jax. I bet it feels good to have it all finished,” I say, hoping I’ve managed to stay in the conversation enough that he doesn’t realize I’ve been zoned out. This just isn’t like me.

  “You know it, man. But now she’s going to want to start planning the wedding. Set a date and shit. I’m ready for a breather. This house took it out of me, and now the hospital project. We’re going to all be scrambling for awhile.” Jackson sags back in his chair and starts rubbing his temples.

  “Don’t worry. It’s all going to work out. I’ve been working on the project, got a leg up on things,” I say in my most reassuring tone. It’s always like this with Jax. As the baby of the family, he likes encouragement, especially from me. And I am always here, ready to give it to him. It’s how it’s always been and I’m sure how it always will be.

  “If you say so. You know what I could use? A beer with my brothers at happy hour. Let’s meet at the pub one night this week,” Jackson says.

  “We’ll see. I’ll let you know.” This is what I’ve been telling him for months now. It doesn’t feel right to go out and have fun when my baby is at home without one of her parents around.

  Sitting back up in his chair, he says, “What about the new nanny? How is she working out?”

  Fan-fucking-tastic. I’d like to break every rule in the rule book with her. “So far so good,” I say and feel my face lighting up like a Christmas tree.

  “What? Is she hot or something?”

  Shaking my head, I do my best to deny it, but it’s my blood we’re talking about here. “She’s great with Maeve, and that’s what matters at the end of the day, right?”

  “Oh, dude. You’re not fooling me. You like her,” Jackson says.

  “I’m not a teenager. She’s sweet and I think she’s going to work out well. Can’t I be happy after Nanny Sourpuss was so awful? It’s a relief to find someone who isn’t miserable all the time.”

  Raising his palms in the air, he says, “Whatever you say. But my money is on the fact that she’s hot.”

  Balling up a piece of paper, I throw it at him. “Will you get out of here? I have work to do. This hospital wing isn’t going to build itself.”

  Jackson stands and rushes to the door. “Okay, okay. I can’t wait to meet her though.”

  “Your office is beautiful,” Carsen says, her head swiveling around the room, mouth slightly agape. She’s wearing some type of sundress; the colors show off her tan skin and it’s short enough to see her long toned legs. Christ, she’s sexy.

  Carsen called earlier to ask if I wanted her to pick up some groceries. I think it was her nice way of saying that we don’t have any food in the house. I told her to stop by and grab my credit card. She and Maeve have been here a few minutes, long enough to go on a tour of the building and then my office. Jax saw her and gave me the thumbs up behind her back. Of course he did. You’d have to be dead to not notice how gorgeous she is.

  “Thank you, I’m glad you like it,” I say and lean down to pick up a toy Maeve threw out of the stroller.

  “Is there anything specific you’d like me to get for you?” Her eyes scan me but there is something more intense there in her blue-green eyes. I don’t quite know what it is, but it unnerves me. “Like a certain type of bread you like, multi-grain, whole wheat, white, Ezekiel. Let me know and I’ll make a list on my cell.” She digs through her purse and pulls out her phone.

  It’s like I’m in a Carsen trance. I can’t focus. Angling my eyes down, I say, “Whatever you get will be great.”

  “Well, okay. If you think of anything, you can text me.”

  I nod at her and go back to my desk. “Great idea. I’ll do that.” My voice sounds clipped and tight, like it does when I’m uncomfortable. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m sure it’s because of my conversation with Jackson. He’s made me feel like I’m a teenager again with a stupid crush. Pull yourself together.

  “Do you think you’ll be home for dinner? I can make us something.” She sounds hopeful, like she actually wants to have a meal with me.

  Staring at the pile of paperwork on my desk, my heart sinks. “I’m not sure. It depends on how much of this I get done. Are you available to stay and put her to bed tonight?”

  Her face falls for a moment but recovers quickly. “Of course. I understand, you told me last night about how busy you are with the new hospital project. Do what you have to do and when you get home you can heat up what I make.”

  This makes me grin from the inside out. It certainly isn’t in her job description to make meals for me. She just does it. “Thanks for that. I’ll try not to be too late.” I bend down next to the stroller and kiss Maeve’s sweet cheek. She coos at me and sticks a plastic teething ring in her mouth.

  “Have a good afternoon and don’t work too hard.” Carsen winks at me as she saunters out of the door to my office. Man, I’m in trouble.

  The afternoon goes by painfully slowly in my deep pool of paperwork. Checking my watch, it’s only three. Screw it. I pack my bag with a stack of paperwork, sling it over my shoulder, and tell my secretary, “I’m leaving for the day. If my brothers need me, tell them I’m working from home this afternoon.” She looks at me like I have six heads because I never do this, but she nods and says goodbye.

  My house is only a ten minute drive from the office. It’s a beautiful sunny day. I wonder what Maeve and Carsen are up to. I bet Maeve is just getting up from her nap. I get unreasonably excited to go home and see Carsen. Maybe Jax is right and I do have a little crush. A misguided, meaningless crush.

  When Maggie and I were first married, I would love to get home as early as possible and share a meal and a bottle of wine with her. We’d go out to dinners or spend time with my brothers. Going for long motorcycle rides was something we would do all of the time. But with the stress that came with trying to get pregnant these last few years, she started pulling away. It was subtle, like she’d lay down early and read or go out with her friends more regularly. It was easy then to stay at work later and get lost in projects. After we had Maeve, we were so busy with a newborn that life was chaotic. Doing only what we needed to get through the day. It was hard, but all worth it for our baby. Now that she’s gone, I haven’t done much besides work and take care of Maeve.

  When I walk in the door, Maeve is on the floor in the kitchen again, playing while Carsen cleans up some dishes. There’s a tray of something that looks like cookies on the counter and the kitchen smells like ginger. She’s singing the ABCs while Maeve bobs her head up and down, a big drooly smile on her face. They get along so well together. The last nanny never got this reaction out of my daughter. Not for the first time today, I thank my lucky stars that Carsen is in our lives.

  “Hey, am I disturbing anything?” I say as I walk into the room.

  Carsen jumps back and clutches her hand to her chest. “Oh my God, you scared me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Her face is a mask of surprise, eyes wide, and jaw slack. “No, it’s fine. I startle easy as it is. We weren’t expecting you to come home until later.”

  “Decided I was going to do some work from home today. Hope I’m not ruining you girls’ plans?”

  A sweet smile spreads across her cheeks. “Well, no. We just finished making teething biscuits and now we’re going to go to the park. You can come along if you’d like. We won’t be gone long. It’s a beautiful day.”

  Damn, it’s a tempting offer. When was the last time I spent an afternoon outside with my daughter? Leisure time is something of my past. It’d be good for me, but the bag on my shoul
der is weighing me down. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I’ve got so much work to do.”

  She raises her eyebrow and gives me a conspiratorial grin. “Your work will be here when we get back.”

  Carsen is adorable, and so is my daughter sitting there playing with measuring cups and other plastic kitchen utensils. She’s right. I can do my paperwork when we get back. “Okay. Why not?” What’s come over me?

  Carsen’s smile grows wider. “Great. Let me change Maeve and get the diaper bag ready and we can go.” She goes over to Maeve and lifts her off the floor. Maeve touches Carsen’s cheek and starts mumbling incoherent words.

  Walking over to Carsen’s side, I say, “I can change her if you don’t mind fixing the diaper bag.”

  “Of course,” she says as she hands me my baby. It’s not every day that I get to spend with her; even something as small as changing her diaper is time well spent. I still can’t believe that Maggie would willingly leave us and miss all of this. Maeve is changing so much. She’d barely recognize her. I quickly dismiss the negative thought and focus on the here and now.

  Carrying Maeve upstairs, I take her to the changing table in her room and lay her down. “How’s my baby girl doing today?”

  “Dadadadadada,” she says, her sweet green eyes sparkling up at me. Her strawberry blonde hair is finally starting to grow in. She looks so much like her mother. Sometimes I love it when she reminds me of her, and other times that I’m not proud of, I get bitter and resentful and wish our baby bore no resemblance to Maggie. Today, there’s nothing. No feelings of hurt or hostility. It’s a nice change.